Dani

The weather started improving, and so did my mood, but I'm just in the doldrums right now...

Don't get me wrong, these past few days w/the sunshine and the warmth have been really amazing. Even w/the rain a few weeks ago I was content, cuz it was finally getting warmer. Tot's surprise party was a complete success, and I can't believe we pulled it off so easily!

This weekend was pretty much amazing... Friday we hung out w/my mom and my sister, and did some puzzles, and had fun together. Saturday we played frisbee in the sun @ the park, and catch, and watched the girls in the afternoon. Sunday we hung out w/my parents and had an amazing time.

Well, Saturday was scarred, because our friend Natalie lost her battle with cancer. It seems unreal. I just can't fathom that she's actually gone, that she didn't win. She was always a fighter, but I guess the fight was bigger than her. I know she's not suffering anymore, and that's what's important, but I just can't believe that someone my age, in my group of friends, is gone.

Scottie left today for TN and MS, I feel like part of me is missing :(

School is coming to an end, but before that happens, we face finals, projects, group work, presentations, papers, etc... I can't wait for graduation -- no, I can't wait for next Tuesday, because that will be the day that it's all FINALLY over...

But once it is over, life is going to become real complicated trying to figure out how to keep my head above water money-wise.

I'm keeping my head up but sometimes, like moments today, I find myself in a very dark place, and I can't wait to see the sunshine again. For now I'm off to join friends to say good-bye to Natalie, the girl who always told you how it was, who wasn't afraid to tell you the truth if it saved you the hassle of getting hurt. The girl who was always there to listen to you, no matter what. I seriously can't believe this happened.

Soooo I've been savings crazy lately.

It's totally the dumbest hobby people my age could have.

But I don't really care, cuz I enjoy it, and it enables me to provide for scottie & I in a really smart way.

So last week @ CVS they had a BOGO (Buy One, Get One) deal on Purex, and I had a BOGO coupon... so yeah, I got 4 bottles of detergent for the price of tax. Awesome.

In fact, as I write this post, and Scottie is out of town on business, I'm kind've itching to go to Walgreens... it's a disease I tell ya.

I've gotten a lot of fun samples and freebies and a couple weeks ago, I hit the motherload. I apparently won the Emergen-C immunity action pack. How freakin awesome! I got 4-12pk cases of Emergen-C! It was amazing. They are not tasty with vodka, but they are tasty on their own, and they do wonders for hangovers. And they give you energy and keep sickness at bay. And I got them for free! Love it! Just for signing up for a free sample!

Additionally, I got an excellent deal on 4 items of Aveeno at CVS this week. Two were the Aveeno Positively Ageless face wash and I just absolutely looove it. My face has never been so smooth and my pores seem to have shrunk too! so good.

And just for a head's up.. 3 weeks from this Saturday and I GRADUATE!!!!!!!!! AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Man, I am just no good at updating.

I had an interview today with Menard and it went really well and seems like a job I'd enjoy (HR coordinator) But the only positions open right now are in the chicagoland area and in other states, and that is just not an option for me. I could never move away from Scottie now.

It's been so dreary here lately... April showers are definitely relentless. I saw a burst of sunlight just now in the dining room and it made me smile. Seeing it, thinking of this weekend and how exciting it will be, and reading this quote have really brightened my spirits....

“See you and me have a better time than most can dream of,
better than the best,
so we can pull on through,
whatever tears at us,
whatever holds us down,
and if nothing can be done, we'll make the best of what's around.”
-Dave Matthews Band

I have never been more sure that I am going to marry someone. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. Never has the gravity of that statement resonated in my heart more than now. He is my better half, my soulmate, my best friend. I have no idea what I did to deserve it, or how it happened that we found each other, but I could never be happier. He is everything I have ever dreamed of in a man.

I should be studying for my three exams and two group projects coming up this week, but instead I'm ecstatic and anxious to share the deals I pulled off today.

First of all, may I say, that I have met the man of my dreams. I know that I've probably said something similar to that before, but I really mean it this time. I'm older and wiser and I know the One when I see him. One of these days I'll get into detail about him, cuz he deserves recognition. His name is Scott and I absolutely adore him <3 I have never been so in love! We have been together for almost 8 months now, and I am definitely going to marry him someday!!!

I met Scott's sister-in-law when we started dating in August of last year, and it seemed that all she talked about was couponing and her two little girls (who, by the way, are THE most adorable little girls you will ever meet). After our visits I often lamented about how it was something that I'd like to start doing, but it was so impractical for me, being in school full-time, and not really needing much anyway. Scott's family did a really awesome job of stocking us up on little things this last Christmas -- things like deoderant, shave gels, etc. Why would I want to spend money, however little, on things we didn't need? She has a large closet full of things that she'd gotten for nearly free, but it seemed like things we'd never use, like children's tylenol, ear rinses, things like that!

I finally decided to venture into this world of "amazing deals" not just at drugstores like CVS and Walgreens, but Walmart and Kroger for example. It's true you have to invest a bit to start out, (like spending $15 on things you really probably don't need at CVS). We didn't really need 2 Dry Idea extra strength deoderants, etc., but you have to shell out a bit to start making deals on things you really DO need!

Some people do things like purchase 6 Sunday newspapers, or rinse out ziplock bags to reuse, etc. I found out a way to make our lives more frugal without going to extremes. It doesn't make sense to me to spend $10 on papers or tons of money on magazines, and then turn around and say you got things for free. You have to figure in the money you've spent to get there!

First, my mom has started giving me her Sunday coupons. While she can save money with them, I have mastered the art of finding where the best deal would be that week, making the coupon super valuable. (By "mastering the art" I mean following great blogs created by really awesome women who share their info with us!) I have started getting things that my mom uses like Vitamins, Denture stuff, etc., because obviously we don't use these things. It works out because she scratches my back, and I scratch hers!

Second, my sister's boyfriend works at the Journal Star and has just this week started giving me a set of leftover inserts! It's amazing! I am totally thankful to him. We watched his dog and babysit my nephew often, and while we enjoy these activities, it's nice to get paid back like this! This week the deals were especially awesome (the paper quoted about $150 worth of coupons in this issue--it's usually more like $30!!!) so I broke down and bought an issue myself.

Third, we have decided to plant a garden and start a compost pile. These are things that will decrease our grocery bills, keep our food fresh, be GREAT tasting food that we raised ourselves, and be helpful to the environment. I can't wait to see what our garden yields this summer.

I wanted to share the deals that I pursued today, because I was so excited that I just have to share! This is the first week that my deals really paid off.

First of all, Target had a deal this week where if you buy 1 Gillette Fusion Power Razor at $7.99, and then another select item (the one I picked was... Buy 1 Gillette Shave Gel at $1.89), you get $5 Target Gift Card. The thing that sweetens this deal is that I had a $2 coupon for the razor and a $1 coupon for the shave gel. I ended up spending $7.22 for the two items, but I received a $5 gift card that I will definitely be using soon. Target has in-store coupons that they allow you to stack with manufacturers coupons, which yields awesome deals!

In short, I basically paid $2.22 for the razor and the shave gel. Considering Scottie shaves his head & face almost daily, and these are items that are usually pretty expensive, this was a great deal!!
(I got this awesome deal from http://www.stretchingabuckblog.com)

The biggest thing I am proud of is my trip to CVS today. CVS also has in-store coupons and allow stacking, but I have been having issues with the deals. Last week I didn't even try, because nothing seemed like a great deal. I have tried for a few weeks to get some good deals but they haven't been amazing. :( When Scottie got home today, I decided we'd try again this week...

....and I am SO glad we did!

I ended up getting the following items for THREE DOLLARS AND ELEVEN CENTS:

1. Skintimate Shave Gel (On sale for 3.49, received 3.49 in CVS Extra Care bucks (ECBs) to use on my next transaction)
2. Excedrin Express Gels (Usually around 5 bucks, but on sale for 1.99 and I had a $2 coupon)
3. Excedrin Back & Body (also usually goes for around 5 bucks... scottie's back pain has gotten pretty bad, so we "splurged" haha cuz I didn't have the $2 coupon
4. 2 Natural Dentist Mouthwashes (Buy 1 at 6.99, get 4 ECBs)
5. Dawn dishwashing soap

I used $13.48 ECBs that I had generated last week, a $2 coupon for the Excedrin, 2/$2 coupons for the mouthwash, and a $.25 on the Dawn (ugh, I just got a .50 coupon when we got home for the dawn! I could've saved .25 more cents... but I'm still pumped cuz I got the whole Home Made Simple mailer which is loaded with coupons!)

The best part is, even though I spent 3.11 out of pocket (the avid call this "oop"), I have sent in for a $10 mail-in rebate on the mouthwashes, so I made money!
(I got this awesome deal from http://www.dealseekingmom.com)

All in all, I spent 3.11 oop, will receive $10 in the mail from the rebate, and received 11.49 ECbs for next week!! I MADE money on this whole thing!! I have done really well at Walgreen's but this is my best deal yet. I am really pleased with the deals I have received. Generally you should try to grow your ECBs by rolling them over the next week, but this week it was only $2 and I was able to get ACTUAL money back on the mail-in rebate.

I know this may seem totally stupid, but it feels so good to finally get great deals. Here's the benefits for me:

1. If I get something from my deal-making, and I wont use it, I can donate it to the woman's shelter or a similar charity. That way, nothing goes to waste!
2. I have a new hobby! Even though it seems like a dorky one, it makes you feel REALLY good inside, especially if you can fulfill benefit #1 above, and #3 below!
3. Scottie and I are able to lower our monthly spending, because not only am I creating a "stockpile" for things we will use in the future, we also use coupons now for groceries. Sometimes you have to bend on what kind of brands you prefer, but it's so worth it. I'd say over 90% of the time you still end up getting brand-name products for super cheap!!
4. I can give things to my family -- things they'll actually use -- for free! -- and they just hand over their weekly coupons that they don't use!

OK well I'm done w/the boring rantings and need to get to my studies, so.. have a blessed day, and thanks for reading!!

He is seriously driving me insane.
Sex & The City: An American Girl in Paris Part Une
Carrie: You do this every time! EVERY time! What? Do you have some sort of radar? Carrie might be happy - it's time to sweep in and shit all over it?
Big: What? No, no, I came here to tell you something. I made a mistake. You and I...
Carrie: You and I - *nothing*! You can not do this to me again! You can not jerk me around!
Big: Carrie, listen to me. It is different this time...
Carrie: Oh, it's never different! It's six years of *never* being different! This is it! I am done! Don't call me ever again! Forget you know my number! In fact, forget you know my name! And you can drive up this street all you want - because I don't live here any more!

The difference in the endings is that, in Part Deux, Big comes and saves her from a broken relationship that she was trying to force herself into. And Hollywood producers torture me more by making a movie in which they get married and Big isn't this irresponsible relationshiply-challenged idiot who keeps her on a string and plays with her emotions all the time anymore. And the world is right again...

But not in my situation. It's like he's never gonna go away.... We are forever tied and I push and push him away and it just never ends. It's torture constantly. "Come see me Dodo. It's not my fault I'm in love with a girl who has a boyfriend." As if love had anything to do with it! I loved him more than anyone I've ever known and would have done anything for him. I gave up my world as I knew it for him, and he turned it all upside down. It's like this prison I'm never going to escape. And he has this freaking radar that Carrie mentioned. Oh, Danielle has a boyfriend now, and she's happy, and getting her life right, so let's come in and remind her of those days and guilt trip her into longing for those memories and to be with him. And I just CANT DO IT much longer. I am honestly considering changing my number and never telling him where I'm moving in 2 months and just falling off the face of the earth to him. I met a guy last night at Sully's who knew him and it's the same story constantly. That guy's a jerk, he always has been, and it has nothing to do with what he did to himself or what happened to his family, he just always will be that way. And I feel sorry for him and I would love for him to wake up and realize the potential he has to be a great human being but instead he's selfish and egotistic and thinks he's way too good for other people. He thinks the world is the one who's screwed up, not him. He has got some real growing up to do and the sad thing is, some people never learn. I love him, I do, but he is killing me.

It felt good to drive back there, to see the golden sunlight hitting the fields and the sound of the wind blowing through the trees. I passed Ricky's cross and sent big brother a big ole kiss. I smiled as I remembered playin 'shoes in the backyard or the days Troy n I would mess around on the quad or Case n I would cruise in the jeepjeep. Teri and I would sit outside drinking tea watching the guys work. Rick would build bonfires at night and we'd sit and listen to alan jackson and toby keith all night, laughing and tellin stories, and who could forget the crazy times at Ed's.... Those beautiful summer days and nights... they felt like the best of my life at the time.

But then I remember how it really was. I slid through the stop sign and glanced down the street I tortured myself on. The day after casey told me I was fat at the video store I started running on that road with Bobo's and I'd walk home in a daze, my heart racing from the caffeine pills he had me taking. And I'd go home and make dinner and wait for him to come home and he'd maybe stumble in at 9, drunk and who knows what else. And I wanted so much for him to want me the way I wanted, and it didn't even happen til I was gone. and it's happening all over again. And I don't think I can take it.

I am SO RIDICULOUSLY HAPPY RIGHT NOW. But if this scar from my past keeps coming back to haunt me, it WILL all fall apart, and I cannot afford that. Somethin's gotta give.

HOW are they still friends?! I mean, after all that has come between them, and how he treated her, and how HE treats ME?! HOW did this happen? Less than a year ago we all gathered around a table every sunday night and listened to jazz and played cards. I remember one instance we won and I crawled over the table into his arms and he held me so tight and kissed me that way. How are we all in shambles now? Why do they get to stay the same but I have to wake up every darned morning thinking about him!? All I want is for those days to be erased from my memory. We would've been engaged in a year and a half. I know everything happens for a reason but I don't know this one. I haven't seen the reason yet. And I know I should trust God that it will all work out but it's kinda hard when you have to work so hard and take so many small steps everyday, and then ONE MORNING you walk into work and THERE HE IS and you JUST MELT.

I am seriously so excited now
12:45:07 PM

pylesdm/Peopl...

Grant M. Cassi...

about a trip?

12:45:36 PM

pylesdm/Peopl...

Yeah

12:45:46 PM

I seriously haven't been anywhere cool since 2003 when I went to Italy

12:46:28 PM

Grant M. Cassi...

haha, north carolina, cool? its kinda like Brautislava, you know, eastern europe

12:46:42 PM

pylesdm/Peopl...

you're a weird kid

12:46:48 PM

◄

I getta see the BEACH, man!

12:47:02 PM

Grant M. Cassi...

aww now i wanna go

12:48:14 PM

pylesdm/Peopl...

I haven't seen the beach in 6 years

12:49:29 PM

◄

what will you DO without ME for 4 days?!

12:51:58 PM

Grant M. Cassi...

i really don't know danielle

12:52:32 PM

pylesdm/Peopl...

you'll probably freak out.

12:56:04 PM

Grant M. Cassi...

no i won't i'll prolly live the life of a young niave boy who didn't consume alcohol... kinda like how i was before you came along

12:56:20 PM

pylesdm/Peopl...

fibber!!!

I can’t believe how much has happened since I started here at Cat. Now, with only one day to go, I’m looking back at how far I’ve come, how far I’ve fallen and risen, and wondering what’s next. Last June, I started here in Morton and I was freakin terrified. Everyone welcomed me but I still felt like an outsider. I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing and I was easily frustrated. Sometimes I felt like I didn’t have enough to do, and others I felt like people were pushing really dumb projects off on me. I guess I’m the intern and that’s to be expected, but it was sometimes downright ridiculous. The summer was okay, but not great. When Casey and I broke up, I broke down, and my work suffered. I got back up and was back in the game, but not unscathed. Mike came down the path and put me back up in the saddle. I don’t know who to blame for what happened next. Why Casey came back I have no idea, and I’ll probably never know. As if he hadn’t taken so much from me already, he had to take my happiness in my new relationship. Was Mike never truly enough for me or was I just weak and not ready for that much love? I can’t say for sure. Did I meet John for a reason or am I just not strong enough to go it alone? Whatever circumstance, I am where I am. Mike and I have been “broken up” for about 3 months now and I still have no idea where he stands. Supposedly I’m supposed to be attending his sister’s wedding in Washington D.C. in September. Who the hell knows where we’ll be in three months?? I never thought we’d actually break up. I remember driving down Kumpf one afternoon, telling Kelsea how scared yet reassured I was that this was the last guy I was ever going to date. How could I find better? Maybe it just wasn’t ever meant to be – maybe I need to let it go and see if it comes back. I try to do that every day but then he always comes back and confuses me. Maybe I should wake up and see the pattern. I never saw Mike as a user but that’s the colors he’s showing me now. He said he’d take me to lunch for my second-to-last day at Cat. And I know he had a meeting til 11 and one at 12 but he should’ve told me instead of ignoring me all day, and I shouldn’t have had to look up his calendar to know that. So there I was, cleaning out my cubicle, taking down pictures and packing up books and folders, and all I could think of is, this is where we met, how symbolic that I’m moving out of here and onto something else. It’s time to cut the chord, Danielle. Why can’t I just do it? Like ripping off a bandaid? Why do I let myself believe that he’s all I want? I have been downright miserable at times these last few months. Is that how I want to live for the rest of my life? No, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a glutton for punishment. I just wish things could go back the way they were. Anytime I say that to someone they jump all over me and freak out; don’t worry, I do know how impossible that sounds. But I just keep hoping that we’ll figure out the right equation.

In the meantime I wish I didn’t have to deal with these memories. October was Geneseo, November was my birthday, December saw family times (his) and New Years was a blast.. January saw Chicago, February, Mardi Gras… March, Unofficial St. Patrick’s Day… and the breakup. Last month was house, Frisbee golf, and a series of confusing moments and tears. This month has been the month to stand on my own two feet and figure out my purpose and direction in life. It’s been Quincy, Effingham, best friends, golf, Elmwood parties, laying in the grass for no reason just passing the time. Meeting new people, and enjoying life. I know that I’ve had fun, but I didn’t know it at the time, and I didn’t let myself realize it. Tell me why I want to be around someone who makes me feel bad, only because I hope that it will return to its former glory?? Tell me why these times aren’t enough, why I long for yesterday? I’m having a great time where I am, and I need to let go of the stress and the doubt and just meet these new opportunities head on, with enthusiasm.

So there’s my resolve, and there’s my purpose. I’m going to face today and tomorrow’s challenges with a smile and open arms. I’m going to let go of the toxic relationships in my life, while nurturing the healthy ones. I will find the right equation – on my own – because he’s made it clear that I’m not worth it to figure out together. We’re not the team that we once were – we’re divided, and sometimes we’re even rivals. No more. I’m not going to wait around for someone to bring me flowers – I’m going to grow my own and decorate my OWN soul.

I remember being in this exact same position in October. There’s an entry down there somewhere. How do you choose between your past and someone who knows you so well & has shared so many good times, and someone that you KNOW is going to help to produce a healthy, loving relationship?

Danielle M. Pyles/0... wouldnt that be funny to just be walking past someone's cubicle and watch them point blank punch their screen

Danielle M. Pyles/0... i have a boyfriend/notreally/hes a snotface/ who makes me crazy.

Hal Woo/0Y/Caterp... If ya dont mind me pointing out...you worry about Mike a lot Danielle...

Danielle M. Pyles/0... mike has been this cloud over my life for the past few months

Danielle M. Pyles/0... and lately, in the past couple weeks, my old life has been peeking through

Danielle M. Pyles/0... so it's only a matter of time til it's gone... I just can't wait til that cloud passes

TheGirlZa10 (11:20:41 PM): so basically he's the one blowing ME off and it's driving me up the wall, affecting my concentration, i.e. sitting here n crying instead of doing my effing homework!

JP! oh...also got the plug to plug that extra hole on your intake
JP! now we just need to get your filter and adapter thing and poof! you have an intake
Danielle M. Pyles/0... lol hurray!
Danielle M. Pyles/0... where should i look for a new filter, or should i get one from autozone or whatnot
JP! just go with me to autozone
JP! they have the filters, and the adapter
Danielle M. Pyles/0... when shall we do this
Danielle M. Pyles/0... i dont have a boyfriend anymore soooooo im pretty open
JP! what whoa wait when did that happeN?
Danielle M. Pyles/0... last night...
JP! yipes!
JP! details
Danielle M. Pyles/0... things have been going so well this week. we came to an agreement that i went on my own and told all the guys who, whether I realized it or not, I was "stringing along" that I felt bad for doing what I did and that I was going to fix my relat. w/mikey or be alone
Danielle M. Pyles/0... and things have been great this week, so we went to dinner last night and I was like how can you still be with me after all you found out
Danielle M. Pyles/0... and he's like I dunno, it's kinda just easier than breaking up
Danielle M. Pyles/0... so I asked him why he's with me and he said I duno, you're a fun girl, but I won't ever be able to marry you
Danielle M. Pyles/0... so I said, alright so what you're getting at is that it's going to end eventually
Danielle M. Pyles/0... he's like definitely
Danielle M. Pyles/0... what else do you say to that? he made his decision
Danielle M. Pyles/0... we decided that it's totally the wrong time for our relationship right now, and that I have a lot of growing up to do, and he has to learn a thing or two about relationships too
Danielle M. Pyles/0... we are quite technically on a 'break' in which we are not pursuing other people, but I don't think we'll come back from it.
JP! yeah
JP! dang girl
JP! thats alot for one night
Danielle M. Pyles/0... it's weird tho
Danielle M. Pyles/0... cuz I felt the loss of a relationship and that out of body feeling that leaves you wondering what to do with yourself next
Danielle M. Pyles/0... but it didn't hurt the way I thought it would
JP! yeah
Danielle M. Pyles/0... it was strange
Danielle M. Pyles/0... I'm only upset now because I'm here at work and we went to lunch w/all of his friends and I had a good time but I had to act like nothing was wrong
Danielle M. Pyles/0... he sat to the right of me in my peripheral having a hilarious conversation with one end of the table, and I, the other end
JP! yeah
Danielle M. Pyles/0... and it bothered me all lunch long, yet I don't think it had the same effect on him
JP! it could have, but he'd never tell you

SIGH.

I'm so confused right now. I should be studying but I can't concentrate, with a life-altering decision baking in my head right now.

A million things have happened in the past 2 1/2 months. I moved in w/Casey in June. It was an amazing summer. The summer of 2006 will always be ingrained in my memory as one of the greatest; Chillicothe friends, ups and downs, roadtrips, hellos and goodbyes, friendships and pitfalls, parties and quiet moments, bonfires and country boozin, jeepin & 4-wheelin... man we had it all, didn't we? Well all great things must come to an end I suppose. And end they did. Someone started second-guessing, tempers flared, emotions ran out of control, and yeah the tears flowed like the monsoon season in africa. "September saw a month of tears, and thankin God that you weren't here to see me like that.." I packed my bags and drove in silence down that country road, looking back in the mirror to see if anyone had followed. But no one did.

I was a mess... I don't think I had any 'nourishment' those first two weeks besides good ole miller lite and marlboro ultra lights. I cried over every little thing, every song, everything from a rainbow in the sky to an R-1 passing by.

And then I move on, and I meet an amazing guy who takes my breath away and knocks me off my feet. It's not the same feeling, but it'll do. He's great for me - he's everything everyone else wants for me. He's everything I could ever need. But what I want? - That's a different question.

So when what you WANT comes back to you with open arms and promises and kisses that you thought you could never live without, what to do you do?

What path do you choose, when you know the rational decision isn't the one that will ultimately make you feel the most? He might make you laugh and make you want to be a better person, but does he make you smile everytime you hear him bellow dodoooooooooooooo or make you sigh everytime you wake up to his face and his arms around you?

What is the cost of choosing the boy who will almost certainly break your heart again... and what if the risk almost seems worth it to you???

I'm crazy...
***
RaGenRdR03 (9:12:51 PM): dodo i messed up once not gonna mess up again

I couldn't be in a worse mood right now. I can't even be inside that house right now. I feel like throwing up.

It's like when these things happen you just have to get yourself out of the way and stay there. I hate feeling like what I'm feeling is making you back up just out of the principle of keeping your distance.

I want to cry so much right now. I have given up so much for this. My life as I knew it would have been so much easier. For what? For a man I want desperately to give himself to me? Who ignores me half the time? Who I constantly worry if i'm good enough for one second -- and so over the next. Do I ask too much? Maybe I do.

Maybe I feel like there's too many eggs in this basket.

I do know that I'm going to have to work harder now than ever before. It's not enough that I was going to struggle to get good grades at Bradley.. now I'll have to struggle by taking only 2 or 3 classes at a time at night, while working full time in the morning... I'm screwed, I'm seriously screwed unless I pull this shit together.

And I want to -- I want to pull myself together. But there's a huge brick wall, and I can't tell you or even myself what it is. There's been this lump in my throat ever since I put this into motion. Am I doing the right thing? How long before I drown? Why does it feel like sometimes I'm helping everyone else, and sometimes I feel guilty that I can't do enough for myself -- I feel like I impose upon people. I get this feeling like my face is on fire and everyone's looking at me like 'poor girl...' and I feel like if I step on the wrong crack this ticking bomb will go off and I'll be stuck searching for someone to help me. And I hate that feeling -- I hate it. I've always been independent and self-sufficient, and I can't stand this disposition.

and sometimes I confuse that blank stare for a look of actual admiration, and then you blink and look away and I realize that I just happened to be in the line of your zone time.

And sometimes a girl just needs a little passion and for a man to show her just what it means to be a part of that gender...

Why do I always feel like I'm holding back these burning hot tears????

and to you... I worry everyday that I'll wake up and you'll be gone -- that I've known you all my life and I am a PART of you, and I know every smell and every laugh and every piece of advice and wise knowledge that you've shared with me over the years... well it's over for me, i'm scared it'll be over for good. I don't want to do this any more. i miss you. i love you. Why can't i tell you....

Screw it I ain't holdin back for no one...

I <3 my life!

I finally quit reflections, they kept screwing me over. I wanted to have a good time w/the rest of my friends on Memorial Day weekend last week, but I got scheduled all day, everyday. The final straw was on Sunday when I was planning on going to a pool party @ Ed's with the chilli crew, and someone just didn't show up to open the store. As a result, I had to get my butt out of bed and go in to open. THEN Jade said she'd get someone to replace me at 2, but SHE backed out too, so I just shut down the store and didn't return on Monday to open. I realize I did the same thing to them that they did to me, and someone had to come in on THEIR day off, but I just got sick of this cycle. And I only had like half a week left neway.

Last weekend was fun tho, Friday we got handcuffed @ Josh & Toni's, Saturday we had people over @ Casey's, dogs got in a fight, had a cookout, played some horseshoes, Sunday pool party @ Ed's that was fun but got a lil weird... Monday I spent the entire day w/case we went to the mall and then we made dinner and watched the storm.. so this entire week I had off, and teri and I had time to spend together, so we went shopping and out to lunch and just had fun together... we are so much alike that it's scary. I really like spending time w/her and she's leaving for Arizona on Tuesday so I'm totally bummed :( and she'll be gone for like a month. I told her I hope she has a terrible time so she'll come back sooner.

So I'm gettin ready to leave for Casey's house, we are going out on the bike, I told my buddy Justin who's getting ready to come home from Iraq that we are goin out and he said "tell him to rev it up for the boys overseas" and I about cried. I'm excited for him to get back to the states.

Who knows what tonight holds... we'll see... I'm kinda sick of the parentals these days tho, that's for sure.....

have a safe and happy weekend yall

5 am.... just got home from caseys... wanted to stay the whole night... "it's been almost 3 months, shouldn't your parents know how much i love you by now?? u should be able to stay with me... " well i getta stay w/him once a weekend usually and i'd say that's enough for now. This weekend was pretty fun, Alex's party on Friday w/new friends and good drinks, Saturday DaVinci Code w/old friends, and today I didn't have to work and it was an absolutely beautiful weekend. This morning I Didn't get up until 11 cuz I was @ casey's til 5 and just conked out when I got home. When I got up I went to ashley's to help her paint her bedroom furniture, and we ended up runnin some errands... we went to shopko to see brian, and then we had a really great talk on my drive to chilli.. seems we're on the same page about a lot of things. Once @ chilli I sat outside w/case and his dad, then I went in and chatted w/terri for awhile, and then josh and toni showed up, and toni and I sat outside chattin w/his parents while josh n casey played horseshoes, and then I went for my first ever ride on a 4-wheeler w/troy, then a really great dinner, and then we all sat around and watched the guys play xbox 360 tiger woods. I'll admit I fell asleep on the floor after that part... video games just aren't any fun if you aren't playing, and anything much more advanced than old school nintendo just kinda perplexes me.. and probably just as much as this computer takes up valuable time, so too are video games a complete waste of life. But I'll tell ya, I just love hangin out w/friends and his fam, they are all so amazing, and I love my talks w/his mom, which were in abundance overall this weekend. I like her perspectives on things, I like the way she talks to me like I'm an equal. And I think it's pretty damn funny that we have a lot of the same shoes!! lol but we were talkin bout how she's going to arizona in a couple weeks, actually the week I start workin at CAT, and she's like you're gonna have to take care of all the boys for me when I'm gone!! I was like uhhhh I better start learnin from ya asap!! haha... and we were talking about how casey needs to move out and his mom was like well if he did the best way he could do it would be to move in with you! I was like yeeeah he already tried that.. I said no!.. he'd be gettin the best of everything w/o having to commit fully. he and I probably said a total of 5 sentences to each other throughout the whole night cuz we were just off doin our own things.. which is nice every once n awhile! I <3 cool spring nights sittin on the deck w/terri and toni..

.. I love that family in general! and most of his friends :)

I swear ONE of us has to pick a fight when we're drinkin.. I mean last night I got relatively sobered up after alex's party, and drove him and the keg home.. and whattya know he had to pick a fight about driving on the white line? whatever, like I can drive the cherokee so amazingly, it's not mine. i can't even figure out the stupid touch screen CD player.. so whatever, I had a really great time last night @ al's birthday bash, met some new people, made some prank phone calls (Well mikey did haha) and toni and I took some great pix, that I'm really excited to finish off that roll and get those babies developed. We had a keg @ ashley's last saturday for their anniversary and a shitton of my friends ended up showin up which was funny and cool to see so many of 'em but nick ended up kickin most of em out, and nate and casey fought 3 times cuz nate wouldn't keep his hands off me and even hit me and put me in a headlock... yeah he's just a freakin idiot when he drinks that much. Some funny times, even tho it was drama-rific. Great pix from that party, too. Tonight Casey & me, josh & toni are all supposed to go see The Da Vinci Code, which im excited about seeing, but mostly I'm just excited about gettin outta here, I'm still at work for another 20 minutes, blah... but I think I decided that w/the internship I can't handle working here still so I think I'm gonna have to quit :( which totally bums me out but I just don't wanna spread myself too thin. And today is a perfect example... casey woke up around 10am, and I had been gone for like 2 n a half hours and he called, still in bed. It's like, it's a gorgeous day, and I could've had 2 more hours in bed w/the man I love, and then we coulda gone and done something awesome, I odn't know what, but it's so amazing outside that the possibilities are endless. I'm sure he hasn't taken me for a ride since the day we met. We got into it about that last night too cuz one of the guys @ the party said he'd take me. And "jerome" said i should go out on the boat w/them and when I said that to casey he freeeeaked out with a big flippin "that's a hell no."
understandable, I guess.

Boo I'm bored.

I sure am glad to have someone who loves me so much tho.

I <3 casey adam

aaaaaaaaaagh I HATE accounting!!

I really don't hate it, I get a great satisfaction when I actually understand what I'm doing. But at this point, I'm wishing that I had kept up on it, actually gone to class, actually PAID ATTENTION while I was there, and learned a thing or two, before cramming it all in my head 2 days before the final.

And technically right now it's thursday so it's the day BEFORE The final!

Sooo Josh and I have been in the gym every night this week, workin on swimsuit season for me, gainin strength back for him. And I am Soooooore as a MFer! I pushed thru the pain today, and yesterday kels n I ran two miles, w/alternating walking laps for intervals, and sprinting straightaways... and bikes. So I'm getting a great workout in everyday but tomorrow worries me, because I have a final in the morning, and I don't want to be up late. so I think I'll be doin cardio on my own tomorrow. Hope I can muster up the motivation.

If it rains tomorrow like its supposed to, casey won't have to work, so maybe i'll make him come run with me.

this weekend will be fuuuuuuuuuun cuz it's the celebration of my sista n nick's one year anniversary, and i'll be damned if we ain't havin us a kegger! Casey asked toni n josh n they might come too which would be fun but what ISNT going to be fun is having 2 ex-bf's and the current bf all in one party! possible in one house if it rains like they say it will! no good!!

well .. I suppose I need to stop stalling. Back to the books.
For a little bit... :)

hey. so. long time no update.

I have an hour and a half left of work and it's driving me nuts. I could leave, but why? I have nothing much better to do, and if i go home I'm gonna get the riot act.

This weekend had its ups and downs.. Friday Toni & Josh had people over, so we went, Toni n I had a great time jus chattin w/Alex n whatnot.. well then there was the whole *Aspen Reign* incident.. I mean seriously I make myself quite clear about strippers all that, right from the get-go. And it's funny how boys like to misconstrue "talking" for "bitching."

It's just a question of respect. Is it so hard to listen to someone's feelings?

Saturday was just... at first, it really angered me... as time went on, it wasn't as bad, we got lost in Cilnton/DeWitt but Toni and I had fun once the guys went away. We fell asleep on the way home, went to bed early at like 10... people callin tellin me about parties and here I am, exhausted in bed, like everyone else who went w/us..

Sunday I worked all day..830 to 530.. It kinda sucked, but ash came to visit and so did kels. I went to Ashley's after work and had an amazing time w/my baby kole, who i swear is like the best *best friend* and has the BEST giggle ever, especially the full-bellied ones that are brought on by nothing but a hose in a driveway.

This mornin was my last day of classes... which is nice... but I have to go back for a final on Friday and one next Monday. Then I'm done. then I start summer class pry online,and THEN I start at CAT!!! I can't freakin wait, seriously, I'm bursting w/anticipation.. still haven't decided what to do about reflections tho.. itd be nice to just keep it for a few days every couple weeks... we'll see how that works out.

Blah. Summer cometh. :)

Things are kinda screwed up right now... constantly arguing w/my parents, Casey's sick and I never know what's going on in his mind half the time... I feel like everyone is just lying to me. And I feel stressed because here school is coming to a close and every project, every paper, every test seems to be on the same day. And 2 of my classes are giving us one last test before the final, which is only like a week n a half from now! It kills me. That is just poor planning.

Did I tell you? I got an internship @ Cat. Not just for the summer, but until next June. Not sure why they would give me an entire year w/o at least knowing if I was retarded or not. Guess I tested well n such! No complaining here. I can't wait to start there. Every passing day at reflections is another day I want to cut my left leg off. It's stressful and frustrating and at times, physically and mentally draining. I have to be there today from 1-7... and then afterwards I'll be doing homework, which is what I'll be doing in about 10 minutes here once I get the movitations... classes are coming to an end, and it's time to get it in gear. I was afraid because I had like 2 projects due and an 11 page paper for business. Well my math is done, my partner for accounting finished our project and handed it to me and just said, "It's done, all you gotta do is type it up," which is freakin AMAZING... and Koch let me n kels team up, and gave us only 7 pages to do. So we wrote on internal theft and it took us all of like 3 hours. we are amazing.

I guess in reality things aren't so bad. Everyone just wants me to do well and get back on track. Well here I am trying, not for them, but for myself. And I can take care of my own responsibilities w/o anyone else's help, thanks...

I've always been independent. Why does everyone all of a sudden feel the need to tell me how to live my life?

If someone asks you for advice, give them suggestions.. not mandates.

And on a closing note, I hurt all over. My back hurts from falling on the floor and having casey jump on me, which buckled my back, I have swelling on my spine, I got hit in the nose w/a baseball on sunday cuz my drunkass wasn't paying attention and I was catching barehanded. My hip hurts from having casey's friend john pull a chair out from under me, my foot hurts from the massive bruise i have from an altercation involving chew and a sink, and my shoulders hurt from all the freakin tension of stress.

Blah. Life is all kinds of confusing right now..

...on to the homework.

Sooooo last night I went to Casey's and he got the wrangler runnin. As a result he HAD to show Gurnzey so we went into town to their house. Seein's how I don't wanna hear about jeep talk, I run in and talk to Toni. We all start drinkin and planning our trip to Chicago. Toni busts out the scrapbooks, we sit out on the porch for smokes "I told casey he wasn't allowed over here unless he brought that girlfriend of his!!" haha and just talked and had great times... Ended up stayin the nite in Chilli, Case was still drunk when he got up for work, bangin around into shit n whatnot... "help me up the stairs! don't touch me I can do it myself!" that kid... "I need to tell you somethin... I can't do this anymore... you need to learn how to drive this thing." "Well we were thinkin bout havin a ceremony in Key West, and Case is a groomsman, which means YOU are COMING."
"U guys have fun at the game... WE'LL go SHOPPIN!!"

so yeah great times, and I got conned into working this mornin, so I went in, and thanks to Sqwenchies or some shit I wasn't totally drained, and then I ran Casey's phone 2 him at their job site, then my mom's medicine to her at work, and then kelsea and I about finished our paper @ one world, w/a smoothie and a pizza on the side.. Mmm.. then case came up and visited for .5 while I washed the lumy, he went home to sleep, which I assume he is doing as we speak, considering he was drunk while doing manual labor most of the morning. I know I shouldn't feel sorry for him cuz it's his own fault.. I tried tellin him a million times last night amongst all those shots of goldschlager... but nooooo he wouldn't lsiten to me. so tonight after he left I mowed the lawn and watered the grass, kinda counterproductive right? lol but ya so I think mom n I are gonna go get somethin to eat and then I'm workin on accounting homework tonight. I promised myself that I am going to ALL my classes tomorrow.. NO skipping. We'll see how that works out. Case works out at EP again so he'll come up after work, and then who knows what we'll do tomorrow night. Once again I'm working at 8am YUCK but oh well... jus wish I didn't have to work on a day that case has off. he'll probably go golf or fix one of his many vehicles or help his dad with the addition anyway. Millions of things that kid's got going on.

I hate how he made $100 bucks in 2 1/2 hours of overtime today, and I made 30 dollars in 4 hours of work @ reflec.... unreal

hopefully that'll pay off for ME tho ;)

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